this is me- now

So I was on a roll. A full week of blogging and then...crickets. Nothing. So here is an update with me.

We are moving to Hawaii. Well, as of right now, Matt is moving to Hawaii. For the first time in 15 years since we have been married, Matt is having to go without me-without us. We have a home here, first time buyers. Well, the market, the economy, as we all know is in the tanks. I think I have been living in somewhat of a state of denial. For several months since Matt's been home from the Mideast I have thought all I need to do is think positive, and well it'll all just work out. And it may. I still believe :). However, Matt had to reserve his flight last week to Hawaii. A flight that as of right now, he'll be making alone. We have pretty much nixed the idea of selling our home. Just not possible in this market. So we will rent. And so the girls and I, we will wait. We will wait for our renter, so we too may move to paradise.

And so as I am closing out my life here I am reflecting on all that I've learned about myself here, all of the ways I've changed and ways I haven't but maybe should have. Life is a gift, I am learning to embrace each and every situation I am placed in and trust that each season brings it's own lesson...

I look forward to sharing my ups and downs in this waiting time. This season of idleness...

A photo of my oldest leaving behind her BFF on our last move from San Diego. Moves can be exciting but they can also be so very hard...

on this day in history

This poem was a highlight of the day for me as I watched as our 44th President, Barack Obama, was sworn into office.

"Praise Song for the Day, A Poem for Barack Obama's Presidential Inauguration"
by Elizabeth Alexander

Each day we go about our business,
walking past each other, catching each other’s
eyes or not, about to speak or speaking.

All about us is noise. All about us is
noise and bramble, thorn and din, each
one of our ancestors on our tongues.

Someone is stitching up a hem, darning
a hole in a uniform, patching a tire,
repairing the things in need of repair.

Someone is trying to make music somewhere,
with a pair of wooden spoons on an oil drum,
with cello, boom box, harmonica, voice.

A woman and her son wait for the bus.
A farmer considers the changing sky.
A teacher says, Take out your pencils. Begin.

We encounter each other in words, words
spiny or smooth, whispered or declaimed,
words to consider, reconsider.

We cross dirt roads and highways that mark
the will of some one and then others, who said
I need to see what’s on the other side.

I know there’s something better down the road.
We need to find a place where we are safe.
We walk into that which we cannot yet see.

Say it plain: that many have died for this day.
Sing the names of the dead who brought us here,
who laid the train tracks, raised the bridges,

picked the cotton and the lettuce, built
brick by brick the glittering edifices
they would then keep clean and work inside of.

Praise song for struggle, praise song for the day.
Praise song for every hand-lettered sign,
the figuring-it-out at kitchen tables.

Some live by love thy neighbor as thyself,
others by first do no harm or take no more
than you need. What if the mightiest word is love?

Love beyond marital, filial, national,
love that casts a widening pool of light,
love with no need to pre-empt grievance.

In today’s sharp sparkle, this winter air,
any thing can be made, any sentence begun.
On the brink, on the brim, on the cusp,

praise song for walking forward in that light.

growing

Today I turned inward. I thought about all of the ways I want to grow this year and beyond. I thought about things that I want to happen for me in this year. I thought about what I am missing, what I feel is missing from my core.
There were three things that came to mind, all varied but all important to me.
And as I thought about these three things I wondered. And here is where I'm gonna get heavy.
I wondered if I had my dad, had him growing up, if these would still be on my list. If these three things that I want for myself would already exist just because of that daily presence. Don't get me wrong, I love my dad. But coming from a broken home at a young age I think I yearned for things I couldn't understand. And now that I am older, and in a time of reflection and growth I want to shatter the obstacles that block me from achieving these three things.
So here goes...

1) I've always wanted to sing. I mean really know how to sing. I have been told a few times in my life that I have a nice voice, and the way I hold onto those times you would think I won a Grammy! But actually I come from a family that loves music. And music is one of my favorite things in this world. So it's not so far fetched that this would be something I wish I knew how to do. Thing is, I've been wishing this for a very, very long time. I remember when my sister, who is a year younger than me, went to live with my dad. I flew out to visit and I remember feeling like I was missing something. She was singing. He had taught her how, for he was and is a beautiful singer. He was a singer in a rock band. He opened up for Huey Lewis and the News! In my eyes, he was a big deal. Fast forward 25 years and I still wish I could sing. So, I'm throwing it out there. Voice lessons, it's on the list!

2) I've always wanted to be athletic. I think not having my dad there to push me to play outside, to encourage me to try new things, like sports, it's something I wish I had in me now. I watch Matt with our girls, always outside, playing every sport under the sun until they find a fit. I wish I had that. My step dad tried, but it just wasn't his thing. I think of an old friend from high school, and an old neighbor, both whom I've recently reconnected with on Facebook. And they are doing triathlons! WOW! The training, discipline and just sheer respect for their bodies, well it's inspiring. I will always be a girly girl, but this year I want to find my inner athlete.

3) Lastly, I want to overcome fear. Fear of failure. Fear of abandonment if I'm not perfect. Fear of the unknown. Fear of making the wrong decisions. I want to continue to find my inner courage. To care less about pleasing others and more about taking chances. I want to learn to let go of things I don't understand. I want to learn to give to myself more freely.

That's it. Raw and real in a nutshell. I am a growing soul. A student of life, a lover of truth. I've heard many times that the best and the worst thing about me is that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I don't know how to do it any other way. Part of what is so great about photography is the ability to share who you are through your photographs. It's a partnership. How I see you and how you share with me. It has been an incredible gift and I know it will carry me through this growing season.

Plan B

I had another blog planned for today. I have a lot of fun things to share but I'm not feeling very "fun". I'm feeling a little moody, a little feisty, a little bluesy. So instead tonight I'm gonna share a photo that I love. All the same photo, but edited differently and I think each reflects a different mood don't ya think? Well that's kind of how my day has been. So which one do you prefer?

this is the original or SOOC (straight out of camera in photo lingo)

and here are 3 out of a million different ways I can add a different feeling to the photo...with each image the possibilities are endless...kinda like me.

So let me set the stage. My little princess, is also my awesome little helper. So when I needed to run across the street to scout the location, the lighting etc for a neighbor's shoot, well Em didn't disappoint :) These shots are pre-chin stitches or "the caterpillar" as she called it and I had so many to share (over 30!) that I decided to put them into a slideshow. The funniest thing is when I was arranging the photos, it's as if she started out a grumpy little princess and then with a little help from the magic wand her day turned around! Hooray for magical princess sparkly pink happy dust!!

this is...

harder than I thought!! Blogging 7 days straight...whew it's been hard to find the time each day! I am off to bed, my eyes are heavy. Princess photos tomorrow. Hope your Monday was blessed and your evening is full of the sweetest dreams...
till tomorrow~

Sunday

Today was the best kind of Sunday. They only happen once in a blue moon, but it's the Sunday when you give yourself permission to be lazy. Before Matt and I had kids, we used to call them Sunday under the covers. Though I can't say we enjoy those kind of Sundays so much anymore, today was all about R&R. Tackle the "to do" list tomorrow. The spinning world can wait. And life just felt effortless. I still did laundry, I still made dinner, I still did who knows what. But I didn't have to. Don't you just love those days when you start out and you give yourself a day off? Tomorrow I'll hit the ground running, but today it was just nice to fill my tank and do absolutely nothing- all on my terms!

So as I bid farewell for the day, I was rummaging through my vast collection of photos in search of the perfect lazy Sunday photo. I think this captures that feeling, though I found some other special Em princess photos that I must share! Those I'll save for tomorrow. Everyone should feel like a princess on Monday don't ya think?! It'll be the perfect start to a new week :)

so true

"There are no great things, only small things with great love. Happy are those."
- Mother Theresa

it's been too long

Yea I admit it. I'm having blog guilt. Guilt that I have neglected this sacred place that is MY blog. MY voice in the world. MY place to be me. MY place to be free. I have so much to share, but it's all a jumble, a subject that requires dissection. So I'm going to break it down, bit by bit. I am going to blog each day this week, for one straight week. It's going to be a challenge, not earth shattering by any means. But as my husband reminds me when I become frequently impatient with my goals, it takes a week to create a habit. Just one week. And in 2009 there are a lot of new habits I want to (and plan to) create, and a lot of bad ones that I am ready to break. So consider this my apology, my walk of shame, my mighty roar, and my solemn swear all in one. You rock. You visit, you comment, and you give me so much more than I could even explain. So thank you for joining me on my journey in 2008, and I look forward to all of the magic we can share and create together in our exchange this upcoming year!

Salud~~

*chalk drawing of our home created by Em